By Antoinette Johnson

[SCENE: Cloud-level rooftop with holographic roses, floating candles, and a royal throne just for Antoinette]

Narrator (Morgan Freeman, naturally):
“In a world where the Queen’s heart is still up for grabs… only two men dared to battle the odds.”

—

Keanu (emerges from a portal holding flowers and two glowing orbs):

“Antoinette… I left the Matrix to be with you. I unplugged from simulations, deleted my crypto, and even dodged the IRS—because I had to find you.”

Antoinette (fanning herself):
“Keanu… I appreciate the effort. But I need more than a red pill and a trench coat, baby.”

—

[A helicopter lands—IDRIS ELBA STEPS OUT WEARING A TUX WITH TIMBS]

Idris (with smooth accent):
“Mi Queen… I brought oxtail, rice & peas, and this crown. I’m not here to play games—I’m here to build a kingdom.”

Keanu (jealous but Zen):
“Can your oxtail slow down time though?”

Idris:
“But can you fix a roof while reading Psalms 91? Didn’t think so, blad.”

—

[THE SISTERS START COMMENTARY FROM A LOVE THRONE SKYBOX]

Michelle:
“Ooo Idris got that uncle-at-the-barbecue energy, I like it.”

Danielle:
“But Keanu giving ‘save the world or die trying’ energy, that’s a turn-on too.”

Antoinette (whispers):
“God, send me a man with Idris’ seasoning and Keanu’s purpose… mixed with Michael B’s body and Ralph’s sensitivity.”

Ralph Tresvant (in the back, singing live):
“You need a maaan… with sensitivity… a man like meeeeee…”

—

Antoinette (with a mic):
“Love is a battlefield, but I’m not choosing yet. I’m just letting y’all audition. May the best king win.”

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