By Antoinette Johnson

Starring:

Antoinette the Divine

Michelle & Danielle (the twin tag team truth slayers)

Trixie (the ex-dancer turned spiritual scammer)

Shay Shay (the one who called the cops over the community pipe)

Broadway (the big… energy, old-school rapper)

Cameos by Judge Mathis, Plies, and a glittery lie detector

—

[SCENE: A rooftop brunch hosted by Antoinette – mimosas, mango wings, and vintage incense]

Antoinette (on her throne):
“I invited a few old ‘friends’ to heal. But baby, the only thing getting healed today is these dusty receipts.”

Michelle (looking at the guest list):
“Is this a brunch or a reunion special hosted by Iyanla and Jerry Springer?”

Danielle (smudging the air):
“Don’t worry, I brought the sage, holy oil, and my sharp tongue.”

—

[TRIXIE ARRIVES – ex-dancer turned fake life coach, wearing crystals, but none are charged]

Trixie (hugging fake):
“Babe! OMG you look amazing. I always knew you’d be a star.”

Antoinette (cool):
“Yeah? So where were you when I needed help paying for my pilot episode and you were in Tulum with that scammer named ‘Yogi Papi’?”

Trixie (laughs nervously):
“I was manifesting!”

Michelle:
“You was manifesting mess.”

—

[ENTER SHAY SHAY: the one who called the cops over Broadway’s XXL ‘blessing’]

Shay Shay (dramatic):
“I just wanna say I love you, sis. Even though… you know… that one time I thought you were trying to steal my man.”

Antoinette (confused):
“First of all, he wasn’t your man. He was everybody’s Spotify playlist and BET After Dark feature. You kicked out your real man over his SoundCloud stroke game!”

Danielle (laughing but loading her lip gloss like ammo):
“And THEN called the cops like we were fighting over a mansion when it was just your cousin’s Airbnb with no Wi-Fi.”

Michelle:
“Girl, you pulled the police on a prophetess! What kind of spiritual warfare is that?”

—

[SUDDENLY… BROADWAY ENTERS, SHIRTLESS, OILED UP, RAPPING INTO A GIANT GOLD MIC]

Broadway (rapping):
“She want a king, I gave her crown / But Antoinette shut me down / Too much sauce, I almost drowned / Now I’m just in the lost and found…”

Antoinette (rolling eyes, sipping tea):
“You need therapy, not verses. And please put a shirt on before I call your cholesterol.”

—

[JUDGE MATHIS APPEARS ON A SCREEN, VIRTUALLY]

Judge Mathis:
“You ma’am—are a scammer. And you, Shay Shay, are addicted to… community peen. Case dismissed.”

—

[THE SISTERS SURROUND ANTOINETTE, SINGING “No New Friends” REMIXED BY MARY MARY & NICKI MINAJ]

Danielle:
“Forgiveness is free. But peace? You gotta pay for that in full.”

Michelle (looking at Trixie and Shay Shay):
“And y’all are overdrawn.”

—

[END SCENE: Antoinette walks away in slow motion, while Broadway follows trying to freestyle… badly]

—

NEXT EPISODE TEASE:

KEANU REEVES steps out the Matrix holding an engagement ring and a letter from Morpheus. He’s been fighting simulations just to earn a date with Antoinette. Meanwhile, Idris Elba drops in via helicopter speaking Patois, offering oxtail and eternal loyalty.