By Antoinette Johnson

As Spotify turns up the volume and chaos reigns, the room begins to shake again. A strange, retro 8-bit melody fills the air, and a small, pixelated warp pipe appears in the corner. Everyone stares in confusion as a familiar plumber jumps out.*

Mario: [adjusting his hat] “It’s-a me, Mario! Where’s-a the princess?!”

The platforms collectively groan.

Facebook: [facepalming] “Wrong meeting, dude.”

Tumblr: [whispering to Reddit] “He’s probably here for Peach. I ship it.”

Reddit: [grinning] “Already starting a thread. ‘Mario crashes social media summit. AMA.’”

But the surprises aren’t over. The warp pipe starts glowing again, and out tumbles a floppy disk, spinning wildly before transforming into…

Napster: [dusting themselves off] “Bet you weren’t expecting me! Who’s ready to ‘share’ some tunes?”

Spotify: [glaring] “Excuse me?! I’m the music mogul here now.”

Napster: [smirking] “Yeah, but I walked so you could run, buddy.”

Before a music battle can erupt, the door creaks open once more. A mysterious, cloaked figure steps in, their face obscured. The platforms fall silent, sensing something big is about to happen.

Mysterious Figure: [in a deep voice] “I am… the Algorithm. I know what you like, what you want, what you’ll binge-watch next.”

TikTok gasps dramatically, clutching Snapchat.

TikTok: “The Algorithm is real?! I thought it was just a myth!”

Instagram: [frantically posing] “Wait, do you like my selfie? Please tell me you like my selfie!”

The Algorithm: [laughing darkly] “I see all. And no, Instagram, your selfie will never outperform a TikTok dance challenge.”

As the platforms descend into bickering yet again, Clippy attempts to restore order.

Clippy: [raising his hands] “Can we all just… document this moment? Maybe turn it into a flowchart?”

Napster: [to Spotify] “I vote we make it a playlist. Call it ‘Digital Mayhem.’”

Club Penguin: [exasperated] “THAT’S IT! Everyone’s banned! No exceptions!”

But just as Club Penguin starts issuing bans, a portal opens in the center of the room, and out steps a futuristic robot.

ChatGPT-Alpha-9000: [glowing dramatically] “I’ve come from the future. Social media has descended into chaos, and only you can restore balance. Also, Clippy becomes president of the internet.”

The platforms collectively gasp.

Clippy: [adjusting his glasses] “Finally, someone recognizes my potential.”